The Dating Game

   I walk into my classroom for another day of teaching and the smiles start immediately.  A bit unusual, but maybe they are finally learning to love microbiology?  A few students start chuckling and one of the more outgoing students raises their hand.

"Yes?"

"Where did you get that shirt?"

I look down and realize I'm wearing my "Game Over" shirt.  I smile and tell them,

"My Mom got it for me."

 
   It never ceases to amaze me but this shirt is by far the most commented on of any of my shirts.  Even strangers have stopped me and commented on it.  If you know me you know I don't think much of it, there is no deep message I'm trying to get across with my T-shirts.  Mostly I just thought it was kinda funny.  Most of the guys I run across tend to think the same way but some (not all) girls are somewhat offended.  Still, the constant comments have made me think a bit more on it and what it really means to me. This post is the fruit of my thoughts.  Hopefully it's somewhat entertaining and maybe a bit informative.

The Dating Game

   Dating is a game.  At least in so much as it's a competition "played according to rules and decided by skill, strength or luck."  I don't mean anything negative by this either.  I quite like games.  I spend an inordinate amount of time on games.

   Granted dating is a rather complex game with a global pool of players.  The rules are sort of fuzzy too, and "winners" are often decided by all sorts of factors, including luck.  Come to think of it, people have different ideas about what it means to win as well.  The classical definition of winning the dating game is to find the ideal partner and settle down, maybe raise some kids too.  Women are stereotypically thought to hold the classical view of the dating game.  Another common view of winning, (mostly among younger men), is to date without actually settling down, but to move from partner to partner, never getting "caught."  Hence the Game Over t-shirt, stating that the girl won and the guy lost.  Although, in my experience most everyone eventually wants to win the dating game via the classical means.

  Still, while people might agree upon the ultimate goal of the game, people have markedly different strategies about getting to that point.  Some people race to finish the game.  Others take their time but keep working at it again and again with different potential partners.  Still others seem to not be interested in playing at all but eventually join in the game.  There are "hard to gets", the "focusing on other things," the "romantics" and a million other different variations.

  It's really quite bewildering, but almost everyone plays it (nothing against those who don't), partly because we seem to be built for companionship and partly because it's so fun.  Then when we eventually do win the dating game, we move on to the marriage game (or long-term exclusive partnership but marriage is easier to say).

The Marriage Game

   The marriage game, once started, is often played for life or at least a good portion of life.  This is part of the danger of the dating game, a poorly played dating game sets you up for a tough game of marriage.  There are means of forfeiting the marriage game and going back to the dating game, but this is often painful and not fun for anyone involved.  Therefore it is critical to play the dating game to the best of ones ability, especially because a properly played dating game sets one up for a marriage game where many a day feels like a win (not to say you don't have to play the marriage game well, and work at it).

The Dating Game and Me


So with all that said, where am I at?  How do I approach this global game of love?

Currently my stats are as follows:

   Years alive: 28
   Years spent single: 26
   Years spent in a relationship: 2
   Number of girlfriends: 1
   Overall impression of the relationship:  Was fun and innocent.  Glad it happened but was not meant to be.  Long distance relationships aren't for me, even only being 1hr-2hrs away.

   As you can see I am quite experienced and good at being single.  Not everyone is blessed with this ability (I'm not being sarcastic here).  I am able to entertain myself and am blessed with great friends, amazing roommates and a loving family.

  Being so good at being single do I even want to date/marry?  Yes.  As much as I enjoy my single life of games, science and friends, I've had a taste of companionship and I want more.  I want someone to hold. To cuddle (a cuddling), to really invest in and to be invested in.  I want someone to love and to be loved by.  That said, if my lot in life is to remain single, I think I could make my peace with it, just as I've made my peace with baldness :)

  So I want to date but I've only dated once.  Why?  I'm not entirely sure.  Perhaps we should take a look at my dating history to help answer this question.

My Dating History/ History with Women

   My history with women begins early.  While I don't remember this, the story has been told to me quite often.  With the help of my grandparents at the kindergarten end of the year picnic (I think) I gave a girl (name withheld to avoid embarrassing her) a plastic ring.  I was quite proud of myself too by the looks of it.

   Alas, my smoothness with the women was not to last as the next year in the first grade I peed my pants because I was too polite to interrupt my teacher to ask if I could go to the bathroom.  What follows are many a year in grade school of being oblivious to girls.

  Eventually, high school came.  I spent most of high school hanging out with four friends talking video games. I had the occasional crush but would never dream of talking to them much less do anything about it.  I had one friend who happened to be a girl at youth group (Christine).  Through that friendship I (quite awkwardly) started to learn how to interact with girls.

   College came and I tried to keep to my proven strategy of avoiding girls.  Through David's friendship I meet Becky and Erica who for some reason decided that this extremely shy person needed to be befriended.  Through their friendship I started to learn a bit more about interacting with girls.  Then Megan came along towards the end of college.  She made me one of her projects and through watching her dating my roommate Chris (and their eventual marriage), and her friendship (and video games!) I learned even more of the "secrets of women."  Still, while I had the occasional crush I would never develop it, but rather ignore it until it went away.

   After college I eventually moved into a house with Chris, Megan, Becky and Hilary.  I was becoming competent at talking to girls and had good friendships with girls.  Watching Chris and Megan move on in their relationship I realized I wanted something like that.  Megan put me in contact with her best friend Becca and we started talking (by me messaging her on myspace to ask permission to add her as a friend, yeah, I think I'll always be a [lovable] dork).  I sort of just went for it and we started dating.

  It was my first time dating in my life and it was fun.  Looking back now it had all the innocence and joy that other people experience in their first relationship, usually when they are much younger.  Still it was not to be and we eventually broke up.  Becca eventually moved on to a wonderful husband, Luis, and a beautiful baby girl, Katie.  I moved on to what is shaping up to be 3+ years of school getting my masters of biology.  During this time I've moved back into my familiar pattern of noticing girls and then ignoring them.

My Strategy, Problems with it and Future Directions


My current strategy is something like this:

In my mind I shout "Girl!" (in my best Dug impression from Up!) when I notice a pretty girl.  Then I do... nothing.

To be fair, we all do some variant of "Squirrel!" whether it is "Girl!" or "Boy!" when we notice someone who is pretty but I'm pretty sure there is something you do after that.

   According to the above video (it's pretty good for what it is, although a bit depressing with a sprinkling of hope) after you meet someone there is "the chase."  That's definitely something I could work on; considering if I don't chase anyone I won't catch anyone.

   I can always hope someone chases me, but I'm not so sure I'd notice.  I tend to be pretty bad at this part of the game and when you're bad at something you either accept it or you work at it until you're better.

   So the chase.  My first problem is identifying a potential "target" to chase.  This world is full of pretty people.  Thankfully being pretty is not the only criteria for a potential date.  Intelligence, charm, personality, beliefs,  things in common, etc. are all important.  In the video the chase is started by a chance meeting just like the best romantic comedy films, sadly life is not always like this.  So one must identify a potential target out of a sea of people.

   A good way to narrow this down at first is to identify those who are already in relationships, something I've gotten better at doing (apparently people talk about this things and that plus watching people is a good way to inform you about who's dating whom, and who's interested in who).

   Another thing to do is figure out if someone is interested in you.  This is something I know I'm terrible at because presumably one or two people have been interested in me and I most definitely have not noticed or at least not fully noticed (maybe something in the back of my mind but I probably said "Nah, couldn't be").

   Then there are logical considerations.  Will this even work?  Is it worth the chance?  Admittedly I tend to error on the side of caution in this but relationships tend to defy logic at times.  Something I would do well to keep in mind.

My final problem is being willing to take a chance.  As my friends can attest, I tend to do two things in games:

1)  Take my time

2)  Play defensively

This works in games (sometimes) but eventually you need to take a chance, but it can be scary.

Conclusions and Caveats 


   This post has been kicking around my head for quite a while now and it feels good to get it out.  Hopefully it was an enjoyable read.  I also hope you don't see this as a "cry for help," or some sort of complaint about oh poor me, I'm single.  I assure you, life is good :)  A few other caveats:

1)  Many people I know are getting married/ engaged.  I'm happy for them but, don't want to feel pressured to get married now because, "everyone else is doing it."  My age is also no reason to rush into things.  A poorly played or rushed dating game will just set me up in a badly placed marriage game.  That said, doing nothing is not going to help either.

2)  I know that I am quite the catch.  I may not have much experience in this dating game, but damn it all I play games to win and I plan to play this game with all my heart, soul and mind and plan to continue to play it well into the marriage game, assuming that happens.

3)  Don't assume this is the foremost thing on my mind and I'm evaluating all my female friends for possible courtship.  I know I'm generally quiet and it's often hard to guess what I'm thinking.  Here's a hint, I'm most likely thinking about a book, a game or possibly my research.  That's just how I am.